I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
