When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
