you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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