i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
