I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
