I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
