Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
