i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
