He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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