Can Purell be used as lube?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
