it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
