He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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