somebody snuck up and got me drunk
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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