Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
