I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
