i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
