you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
