I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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