If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I believe in your delicious
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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