My sheets look like a crime scene.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
