I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
