Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
