do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
