I think im going to throw up on grandma
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
me + whiskey = a bad person
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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