I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
