I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
