i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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