does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
