I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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