I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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