I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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