Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
