I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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