So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize