Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
