Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
