I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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