2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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