Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
