When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
