I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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