When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
