It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
