if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
