So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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