Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
