Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
