Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
