this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
