they need to just BURY HIM!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
