there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
