I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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