Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
