Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize