I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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