and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
