If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
