I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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