I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
