i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
